how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
