She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
