Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
