You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
