chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
