ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
