my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
