so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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