Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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