Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
