if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Randomize
