I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
