your parents love me but you hate me
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
