my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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