I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
