allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
