You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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