she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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