Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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