final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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