I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
