wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
