I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
