He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
