i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
