apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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