garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So vagazzling was a success
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
