so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I believe in your delicious
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
