And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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