There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
