I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
