I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
