I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
