My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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