Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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