just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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