the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We had sex on a dog bed..
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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