we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
