The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
