You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
