dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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