WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
