I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
