i just sent this text using only my big toe
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
