i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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