Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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