yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
