Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
