i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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