My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
