Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
