did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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