My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
